I’ve always been vexed by that question of honesty, of doing what’s right. I’ve always had a hard time doing what’s right by me as opposed to making others happy with my choices. I’d like to think I have an idea of why that is. It just saddens me that the rest of my family & friends couldn’t find the same joy for me as I do having sex with whomever I find attractive, male or female, or in between. Or perhaps I should say wanting to have sex with, and then having it. Sure, why not.
Does anyone else feel this pull to make your life suitable to family and friends before pleasing yourself. Steven Page said:
When I was born, they looked at me and said,
What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy.
And when you were born, they looked at you and said,
What a good girl, what a what a smart girl, what a pretty girl.
Weve got these chains that hang around our necks
People want to strangle us with them
Before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,
When temptation calls, we just look away.
What is the right thing to do for me? Or is it more important for me to do right by the family I’ve created, regardless of my own happiness? Do I live the rest of my life longing, wanting things I can’t have in the current context of “my life”? I have a hard time believing that once you've chosen one, you could have the other as well.
There is this side of me, the one that is bohemian with all it's might. Ravenously bisexual (geez do I hate to label what’s inside of me like that, more on this later…) And I suppress it as best I can. It becomes stronger as I get older. Whenever I give it rope, it runs. But I put it away for a while, pretending it’s not important. When the wind shifts and it kicks at the barn door wanting out, it is stronger than the last time (damn you Mr. Hyde! How long can Jekyll hold on?!) The intensity of that side is the dominant one I believe. What began as a colt so lovely and sweet has become a horse, and I fear one day I’ll open the barn door to find an elephant ready to destroy the whole barn, the barn must be saved!
Weve got these chains, hang round our necks,
People want to strangle us with them
Before we take our first breath.
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same when temptation calls …
And how temptation calls...
I ponder my sexuality, and not infrequently I might add. I think it the most signifigant portion of my identity. I do not think of myself as bisexual, straight or gay. Those terms never seems to register, I suppose that’s because my status on any given day floats in and out of those categories. I just like what I like, whatever that is at the moment. I used to drift in and out of heat for one thing or another almost exclusively. It was either a woman mood, or looking for men. Now its very constant, I like ‘em both 24/7. Nor would I be opposed to transgendered lovers if I met one I found attractive. The likes of Tiffany Allegri and Vicki Richter aren’t too common out there however.
Thinking about DD’s question of whether I would like men more than women. Well, anything’s possible. But I’ve never felt the warmth from men that I do from women. There’s a natural relaxed sensuality with women I don’t get in my experiences with men. I can also say I’ve never had any involved relationships with men, they’ve been mostly sexual in nature and they’ve been short in duration. With the exception of Kris, they’ve not been emotional at all. I shouldn’t say with Kris its emotional, it’s just that we can talk and smile together after the fun. That’s a first with a man. Usually I’m uncomfortable afterwards and want to be gone.
With Sal, there’s a warmth that spreads over me, almost inexplicable. The physical part of our relationship was as good as anything I’ve ever experienced before: steamy, sensual, nasty, romantic, intense, bonded, spontaneous, and very, very satisfying. Stewed, steamed, boiled and baked to yin-yang delight. I guess that’s why Sal won’t engage in conversations these days about our past relations. Why revisit something that good when you’re no longer experiencing it? Kind of like letting you an old junkie have just one drop of herion, but no more.
I cannot honestly imagine experiencing that with a man. I can’t imagine emotional bonding of that sort, though I'd not be opposed to it at all. If it happened so be it, but there’s something there I’ve only experienced with women before. Sex with men, in my admittedly limited book of experience, has been mostly mechanical, up until Kris anyway. So DD, wherever you are, it didn't work that way it seems.
Everything does pale in comparison to Sal. At this point though, it seems finished. I had my opportunity and I passed on it. Given the stakes at the time, I’m not sure the results would be different if I were given it to do over. It might weigh heavier on my mind knowing what I’d be passing up at the moment of decision though. With Sal it would be settling down I suspect, and at this crisis point in time, I think being the artist with the lovers spread around would suit me better. I say that, yet I can see Sal becoming a wild child if given the opportunity. She’s got a powerful sexuality, and I could see her being both a hot wife type, and a dominitrix. Her current life would never allow for that. I also have a hard time imagining a playful lifestyle as a committed or married couple. Whether it's a happy marriage, a swinging lifestyle or whatever. I just don't know many couples who stay happy for long, or more importantly - sexually satisfied on a long term basis.
TTFN.
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