Hello blog...
It’s been some time since I entered into the blogosphere. I had fun starting this page. I like it still, but I admit the lack of comments and uncertainty of whether anyone is reading it took the shine off of it for me. Still and all, it’s overdue for an entry.
I finally made a decision. It’s time for things to end with Sal. I have known that for a longtime. It lacks the punch it had. Add to the fact that Sal is not a sentimental, overly romantic girl. Not like she once was. I think she shut down that part of herself to save herself the emotional baggage. Always the practical one, her. Myself…not so much. Sal and I at one time had the dynamics of a relationship that most people dream of; friendship, sexual compatibility, and genuine affection for one another. As well as loving, we liked each other. Alas, too many good things come to an end. It shouldn’t have, nor did it need to. I guess I simply lacked the courage to do something about it, Sal thought anyway. I saw it differently. I wasn’t willing to completely wreck at least 3 other lives for my own interests. Yet I know I’ve caused some wreckage anyway. All I can do at this point is to make some sort of amends, reparations if you will. Sal has already noticed something different in me; I sense her trying to flirt more than before. Making comments in our conversation she quit making long ago. If there were a flaw in the dynamics with Sal, it would be the fact that she has domineering tendencies and likes to have emotional control. That’s something that’s developed in her over the last five years from her husband being too unassertive. I’m not sure she realizes it or can differentiate between him and I when behaving that way. I’m definitely more emotionally intuitive than most men (what the hell, I’m an artist!) but I’m not submissive at all. Nor do I lack masculinity.
My marriage has suffered enough. I’ve neglected my wife too often. We either have to fix some things, or head off in our separate directions to live life more fully, this is fair to no one. She had her affairs. I think she’s done with that. Although I’m not 100% certain. There are some unexplained time gaps, but my overall intuition is that nothing is going on. Somehow through so many crazy ups and downs we’ve survived. I’m just not sure how, or sometimes why. Mostly for the sake of children, I suppose.
At this time, one kid is long gone from the house. The other is in college. So that opens the door to be a little freer. A little more experimentational (if that’s not a word, I want copyrights). I think it’s time to draw things into the open, to speak of what we have never spoken of aloud. We have denied too much, never fully discussed what occurred. I actually have found some eroticism in her affairs, and I intend to explore those facets. My wife has always played the middle class “normal” wife. I think there’s more than that lurking there. And I find “normal” pretty well dull, boring, uneventful and wasting away your life. If I’m trying to breathe new life into the marriage, it’ll be a vital, exciting one. We resuscitate your marriage to head back into the same mode that brought about boredom, stagnation, and indifference in the first place?
Maybe my ideas won’t pan out, but I intend to make an effort. I think the one thing that needs the most work is injecting vitality, variation and spontaneity into our sex lives. It’s going to require talking more about things we never talked about, things considered uncomfortable up to this point. I think the communication lines have never been open enough between us. Talking about the things we’ve done in the past will help. I’m flat out going to let her know some of what went on, especially regarding her affairs, actually turned me on. I think that’s the starting point for opening things up. I’ll likely need to be persistent; it’s going to take some time to break down barriers and inhibitions that have existed between us for years. Yet, I’m very confident I can bring about change.
In reading this I guess I’m being somewhat ambiguous and I think I’m being that way as some sort of hedge against failure. What I’m after is an open marriage. And I’m certain the largest obstacle will be her thinking I am simply interested in fucking other women. Not the goal at all. I don’t even find that to part of my thinking. I want spice and variety. I like sex for the sake of sex. The act, the pleasure of sex, sex in and of itself, all its varieties and nuances. I just want a sex life in the open, not hidden anymore. I’m weary of living my sexuality as a separate life from my public life. It’s got to change before I go crazy. 20 years of holding it in has been too much. It’s taken me that long to realize I could use it to my advantage as opposed to hiding it.
I realize it will certainly take us down roads I’d never anticipated. At this point I’ll take any and all chances. Honesty needs to be a lifestyle here. Wherever the road leads, I’ll navigate the curves. There’s too much left undone, too much left unexplored. I’ve always tried not to upset the apple cart of our marriage, leaving it normal for her sake and all I’ve done is make it the typical, boring middle American marriage that leaves so many couples wanting more. Kick over the fucking apple cart and restack the apples in an abstract fashion. I’d rather live Jackson Pollock’s life than Doug Heffernan’s.
