Random, rambling update...

Hello blog...

It’s been some time since I entered into the blogosphere. I had fun starting this page. I like it still, but I admit the lack of comments and uncertainty of whether anyone is reading it took the shine off of it for me. Still and all, it’s overdue for an entry.

I finally made a decision. It’s time for things to end with Sal. I have known that for a longtime. It lacks the punch it had. Add to the fact that Sal is not a sentimental, overly romantic girl. Not like she once was. I think she shut down that part of herself to save herself the emotional baggage. Always the practical one, her. Myself…not so much. Sal and I at one time had the dynamics of a relationship that most people dream of; friendship, sexual compatibility, and genuine affection for one another. As well as loving, we liked each other. Alas, too many good things come to an end. It shouldn’t have, nor did it need to. I guess I simply lacked the courage to do something about it, Sal thought anyway. I saw it differently. I wasn’t willing to completely wreck at least 3 other lives for my own interests. Yet I know I’ve caused some wreckage anyway. All I can do at this point is to make some sort of amends, reparations if you will. Sal has already noticed something different in me; I sense her trying to flirt more than before. Making comments in our conversation she quit making long ago. If there were a flaw in the dynamics with Sal, it would be the fact that she has domineering tendencies and likes to have emotional control. That’s something that’s developed in her over the last five years from her husband being too unassertive. I’m not sure she realizes it or can differentiate between him and I when behaving that way. I’m definitely more emotionally intuitive than most men (what the hell, I’m an artist!) but I’m not submissive at all. Nor do I lack masculinity.

My marriage has suffered enough. I’ve neglected my wife too often. We either have to fix some things, or head off in our separate directions to live life more fully, this is fair to no one. She had her affairs. I think she’s done with that. Although I’m not 100% certain. There are some unexplained time gaps, but my overall intuition is that nothing is going on. Somehow through so many crazy ups and downs we’ve survived. I’m just not sure how, or sometimes why. Mostly for the sake of children, I suppose.

At this time, one kid is long gone from the house. The other is in college. So that opens the door to be a little freer. A little more experimentational (if that’s not a word, I want copyrights). I think it’s time to draw things into the open, to speak of what we have never spoken of aloud. We have denied too much, never fully discussed what occurred. I actually have found some eroticism in her affairs, and I intend to explore those facets. My wife has always played the middle class “normal” wife. I think there’s more than that lurking there. And I find “normal” pretty well dull, boring, uneventful and wasting away your life. If I’m trying to breathe new life into the marriage, it’ll be a vital, exciting one. We resuscitate your marriage to head back into the same mode that brought about boredom, stagnation, and indifference in the first place?

Maybe my ideas won’t pan out, but I intend to make an effort. I think the one thing that needs the most work is injecting vitality, variation and spontaneity into our sex lives. It’s going to require talking more about things we never talked about, things considered uncomfortable up to this point. I think the communication lines have never been open enough between us. Talking about the things we’ve done in the past will help. I’m flat out going to let her know some of what went on, especially regarding her affairs, actually turned me on. I think that’s the starting point for opening things up. I’ll likely need to be persistent; it’s going to take some time to break down barriers and inhibitions that have existed between us for years. Yet, I’m very confident I can bring about change.

In reading this I guess I’m being somewhat ambiguous and I think I’m being that way as some sort of hedge against failure. What I’m after is an open marriage. And I’m certain the largest obstacle will be her thinking I am simply interested in fucking other women. Not the goal at all. I don’t even find that to part of my thinking. I want spice and variety. I like sex for the sake of sex. The act, the pleasure of sex, sex in and of itself, all its varieties and nuances. I just want a sex life in the open, not hidden anymore. I’m weary of living my sexuality as a separate life from my public life. It’s got to change before I go crazy. 20 years of holding it in has been too much. It’s taken me that long to realize I could use it to my advantage as opposed to hiding it.

I realize it will certainly take us down roads I’d never anticipated. At this point I’ll take any and all chances. Honesty needs to be a lifestyle here. Wherever the road leads, I’ll navigate the curves. There’s too much left undone, too much left unexplored. I’ve always tried not to upset the apple cart of our marriage, leaving it normal for her sake and all I’ve done is make it the typical, boring middle American marriage that leaves so many couples wanting more. Kick over the fucking apple cart and restack the apples in an abstract fashion. I’d rather live Jackson Pollock’s life than Doug Heffernan’s.

The Leatherman

This one occurred several years back. It was...unforgettable. I visited a bookstore inside the city limits proper. Well known far and wide as a gay haunt. Generally speaking, its grungy, unkempt, and frequented by far too many trolls. It has the cruising video booths in the back, usually occupied by old men whose sex lives have fallen off the map and think that gay men will suck on anything they can. The kind of place you pick up whatever you came in for and get out. You don't ever really expect anything good there. But it was a hot summer day and I was off work early, so I stopped in with a shrug of the shoulders, why not?

I flipped through some magazines, I always like to see Unzipped and [2]. I was ready to leave when I saw this guy propped up against the wall. Everything about him was like a cliche from a gay movie, albeit a hot one. One foot propped back up on the wall behind him and with attitude. But his outfit, oh yeah...a black leather dream from head to toe. Leather pants, vest, baseball cap and boots. With shades and no shirt. Built very well too, kinda lean, swimmer's build. Mustache. I walked back to the video booths to take a closer look, and he nodded his head towards a waiting empty booth without so much as a second glance from me. I didn't need a second invite either, so I walked in, he followed right behind me. No pretense, no fucking around. Let's just do it.

I put some quarters in the slot and he just promptly unbuckled my belt and dropped my pants for me. He rubbed my thighs, then took me right in his mouth. I was very worked up, the whole scene was so damn decadent. I had adrenaline flowing like mad. I was hard as a rock in seconds. But this sexy fucker, he had a gameplan. With my cock good and rocky he pulled a rubber from his pocket and placed it on my cock, then proceded to roll it on with his mouth. Oh yea, he was a pro. With a few more reps on my cock with his mouth he stood up. Well damn I thought, and he's soooo good. He then turned around, unsnapped the fly in the rear of his pants and spread eagle against the wall in front of me. I didn't need a neon sign saying "Take Me" to dive into that. My fuckpuppy was wiggling his ass and damn, he was already lubed!

I'd love to tell you I fucked him endlessly, but fact of the matter is that after some good strokes, the whole heady experience was too much. I don't know if I've ever been more primed to fuck in my life, I came after about 3 minutes of it. He turned and said thanks, then left the booth as quickly as he came in.

I've never seen him again, which is a damn shame. Now that I know how to work a man way better than I did back then, he'd be my regular fuck bud. Or at the very least I'd have worked that ass over alot longer, making the most of the experience. He was definitely the sexiest guy I've ever been with.

Off the Beaten Path

An entry is called for here, but in fact I have writer's block today. Too much turkey, too much surfing. Circuit overload. However, I will write my way through it.

I'm working more with paint lately. Studying once again with all my old favorites: Pollock, Still, Corbett, Diebenkorn, Bischoff and Stamos. So much food for thought. So emotional. It's unusual that most people cannot comprehend abstract artwork. Yet for myself and many I've met, it's an emotional earthquake to comprehend. People, I feel, who are the left brain thinkers are too rational to "get it." They're technical, and abstract art is anything but, it's mood, atmosphere, and pure emotion. I watched a man at the Chicago art museum sit transfixed in front of a Pollock for the whole time I was in the room, he never moved. He just stared. It was awesome. People who like realism are always looking for what the painting is portraying. Never realizing all that it is trying to convey is the emotion and mood of the artist, not some animate object. Of course the artist is also trying to make a good composition, but that's really advanced for most casual observers. It's all okay by me, if everyone was an abstract connoisseur I suppose it wouldn't feel like such a treasure.

I've always been one who enjoys the obscure, the misunderstood; that's where I find my treasures. I feel that way about sex as well. I've long thought the best sex is the sex you probably shouldn't be having. I'm jaded I realize. Make it legitimate and I'm not having fun with it anymore. Whether its sex or otherwise. I've lived my life in darker places than most folks, whether its art, literature, thoughts, philosophies, politics or sex. I've never felt a moment of mainstream in my heart at all. I live for the off-beaten path.

Mind you, I can blend in well. You'd not know I'm eccentric to look at me. I wear jeans, I can wear flannels, baseball caps sometimes. But oh, in my heart of heart, I'm elsewhere. I think most who know me well probably realize that.

Random Ramblings on Sexuality

I’ve always been vexed by that question of honesty, of doing what’s right. I’ve always had a hard time doing what’s right by me as opposed to making others happy with my choices. I’d like to think I have an idea of why that is. It just saddens me that the rest of my family & friends couldn’t find the same joy for me as I do having sex with whomever I find attractive, male or female, or in between. Or perhaps I should say wanting to have sex with, and then having it. Sure, why not.

Does anyone else feel this pull to make your life suitable to family and friends before pleasing yourself. Steven Page said:

When I was born, they looked at me and said,

What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy.

And when you were born, they looked at you and said,

What a good girl, what a what a smart girl, what a pretty girl.

Weve got these chains that hang around our necks

People want to strangle us with them

Before we take our first breath.

Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,

When temptation calls, we just look away.

What is the right thing to do for me? Or is it more important for me to do right by the family I’ve created, regardless of my own happiness? Do I live the rest of my life longing, wanting things I can’t have in the current context of “my life”? I have a hard time believing that once you've chosen one, you could have the other as well.

There is this side of me, the one that is bohemian with all it's might. Ravenously bisexual (geez do I hate to label what’s inside of me like that, more on this later…) And I suppress it as best I can. It becomes stronger as I get older. Whenever I give it rope, it runs. But I put it away for a while, pretending it’s not important. When the wind shifts and it kicks at the barn door wanting out, it is stronger than the last time (damn you Mr. Hyde! How long can Jekyll hold on?!) The intensity of that side is the dominant one I believe. What began as a colt so lovely and sweet has become a horse, and I fear one day I’ll open the barn door to find an elephant ready to destroy the whole barn, the barn must be saved!

Weve got these chains, hang round our necks,

People want to strangle us with them

Before we take our first breath.

Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same when temptation calls …

And how temptation calls...

I ponder my sexuality, and not infrequently I might add. I think it the most signifigant portion of my identity. I do not think of myself as bisexual, straight or gay. Those terms never seems to register, I suppose that’s because my status on any given day floats in and out of those categories. I just like what I like, whatever that is at the moment. I used to drift in and out of heat for one thing or another almost exclusively. It was either a woman mood, or looking for men. Now its very constant, I like ‘em both 24/7. Nor would I be opposed to transgendered lovers if I met one I found attractive. The likes of Tiffany Allegri and Vicki Richter aren’t too common out there however.

Thinking about DD’s question of whether I would like men more than women. Well, anything’s possible. But I’ve never felt the warmth from men that I do from women. There’s a natural relaxed sensuality with women I don’t get in my experiences with men. I can also say I’ve never had any involved relationships with men, they’ve been mostly sexual in nature and they’ve been short in duration. With the exception of Kris, they’ve not been emotional at all. I shouldn’t say with Kris its emotional, it’s just that we can talk and smile together after the fun. That’s a first with a man. Usually I’m uncomfortable afterwards and want to be gone.

With Sal, there’s a warmth that spreads over me, almost inexplicable. The physical part of our relationship was as good as anything I’ve ever experienced before: steamy, sensual, nasty, romantic, intense, bonded, spontaneous, and very, very satisfying. Stewed, steamed, boiled and baked to yin-yang delight. I guess that’s why Sal won’t engage in conversations these days about our past relations. Why revisit something that good when you’re no longer experiencing it? Kind of like letting you an old junkie have just one drop of herion, but no more.

I cannot honestly imagine experiencing that with a man. I can’t imagine emotional bonding of that sort, though I'd not be opposed to it at all. If it happened so be it, but there’s something there I’ve only experienced with women before. Sex with men, in my admittedly limited book of experience, has been mostly mechanical, up until Kris anyway. So DD, wherever you are, it didn't work that way it seems.

Everything does pale in comparison to Sal. At this point though, it seems finished. I had my opportunity and I passed on it. Given the stakes at the time, I’m not sure the results would be different if I were given it to do over. It might weigh heavier on my mind knowing what I’d be passing up at the moment of decision though. With Sal it would be settling down I suspect, and at this crisis point in time, I think being the artist with the lovers spread around would suit me better. I say that, yet I can see Sal becoming a wild child if given the opportunity. She’s got a powerful sexuality, and I could see her being both a hot wife type, and a dominitrix. Her current life would never allow for that. I also have a hard time imagining a playful lifestyle as a committed or married couple. Whether it's a happy marriage, a swinging lifestyle or whatever. I just don't know many couples who stay happy for long, or more importantly - sexually satisfied on a long term basis.

TTFN.

Afternoon with Sal

Friday I saw Sal. We had lunch together. The whole experience was an emotional rollercoaster for me. I’m not a kid anymore, you can’t see by my face where I’m at emotionally, I keep it cool. But inside, I’m like a little kid, she makes me feel more of a man than any woman or any experience ever has. She causes my libido to run like a herd of elephants, she makes me want to conquer for her. She knows it too, but we keep it bottled up. Things that once were spoken no longer are. The problem is that I run hot, my lust and my emotions are always spiking; and as I said I can contain them so the world doesn’t know, but Sal knows. I suspect she feels the same, yet anymore I can’t tell. She’s also mastered the art of the cool as most women do, but she always comes back to me.

My emotions got the best of me for certain at the end of the day. Not while I was with her but on the way home. We talk at that point on radios. I lost my train of thought. I couldn't speak, she knew it. I don't know quite what she thinks at those times. She talks to me with caution then. She knows my home life is pointless. I wish I knew what was going on in her then. I'm not sure which way it flies with her. I know she loves me as well, but she'll never say it. I don't tell her how much I love her, it's not necessary. She can't handle hearing it I believe. Nor is it something that needs to be said. We're spoken for now. Where can it lead? Our chance was at hand, it passed without the right thing being done. What's to gain, where is it to lead?

Enough of that gibberish. It was a great afternoon. We hooked up for the first time in months. It’s always a rush when I see her face again. She’s not a polished, frilly kind of girl. She at times exhibits masculine qualities, but then she can become very feminine too. She’s very hardy; mixing the best qualities of a woman and a girl, that’s what works so well. She got the sexiest eyes and hair. A very unaffected woman, not at all in the hold of her own ego. We had lunch, stayed in the restaurant for 2 hours, then talked outside for 2 more. That’s really the longest time we’ve spent together in some time. I think neither of us wanted it to end. But like all good things… Nothing eventful of note happened, except the warm vibe and secure sensation of being in each other's company. That's more than enough.

So now it’s back to the radios. More on Sal later.

Beginnings

Entry for November 19, 2006

Welcome to the world of the Eccentric Gemini. It’s not easy being in here, trust me on this one. And if you’re a Gemini, well you’ve got a grip on that one! It’s like being Jekyll and Hyde, Dr. Frankenstein and the monster, Beauty and the Beast, John Wayne and Boy George…well, you get the idea I guess.

So this is it…my first blog. What am I thinking, this is dangerous…observations, emotions and rants at random. From this mind…what am I thinking? My thoughts frighten me for heaven’s sake!!! But this is good, it truly is. This is a place to tell the truth, to say what’s in my heart, in my head, the things that should be said. Baring the soul is healthy, isn’t it? Someone say yes. Those are things that, let’s face it, I can’t say too much of anyone in my life. I’m afraid I guess that no one can handle who I really am. Whoever that is. I don’t have a best friend I can confide everything to. Some get this much, some get that much. None get it all. That shouldn’t be, yet it is. I have a best friend, Sal, who guesses at the multiple layers but I’m afraid to give it up. I had DD, a kindred soul/soul mate, but it’s been 20some years since we’ve talked (more on that later, I promise).

Before going any further, I must confess that is was someone else’s blog that inspired me to take the plunge. Writing is something I do, but I’ve not purged my soul before. I must thank theSexy.tech over at Yahoo 360 for baring her soul and making me realize it’s time to do the same. So Ms. Tech, thank you immensely for a fantastic blog, you’ve inspired me. This could get ugly though, will you be upset if it all blows up and goes to hell in a handbag, and I blame you? I’m just kidding.

This is going to be the first time I’m going to be 100% honest with myself, no matter the cost. That’s really funny you see, because everyone who reads this will be a stranger. I’m baring my soul to strangers, or hopefully the friends I’ll meet here. I’ll discuss my ravenous sexual appetite which goes unfulfilled for the most part. I’m married, alright! I’ll speak of politics and religion too, because if those are two things you don’t discuss, then we MUST discuss! If you’re afraid of your views, don’t speak of them. I’m secure in my convictions regarding politics, religion, depression, philosophy, arts, literature and the like, so I’ll spill my guts. As far as my convictions about sex…don’t get scarred, but they’re out there! So this is Page One, here are the players:

Me. Eccentric artist. Romantically inclined, passionate about some things, really bored by lots of other things. Masochistically Gemini.

Passionate about: Exhibitionistic sex, sex with women, sex with men, painting, jazz music, traveling in the south (they’re not as down on men having sex with men as they used to be, trust me on this one).

Sal. Ex lover, current best friend. Sal’s life and mine run parallels when it comes to our spouses and sex lives. Boring and uncreative. We were electric and very naughty together. How did we end up this way girl? Fellow Gemini, yet doesn’t fit the mold.

Kris. Current, what…lover? He’s a very together man. Goes to Paris frequently, kisses like most women don’t even know how. And has a beautiful cock! He’s very good. But we don’t know each other that well yet.

DD. Ex lover, cousin too. Disgustingly, disturbingly close to me in spirit and soul. My true soul mate, but it isn’t fair, because blood’s involved. Soul mates should not be relatives as they have a link to you. Soul mates should be someone you come to know and are shocked to meet, or am I being to harsh. DD could literally finish my sentences for me. And you know the blood has a lot to do with it, cuz she’s into sex with women too. Just like me. Haven’t seen her in 20 years, but she haunts me still. Having someone so like you is unforgettable. And she left me with the question that haunts me still “What happens if you discover you like men better than women?” It scared me so bad I went and got married.

There it is. Those are all the players who’ll count in the telling of this tales. While there are more, but their parts will be added as necessary. Stay tuned for part two.